Grace:(n) “….. the unmerited favor of God.“. Unmerited:(adj.)”not deserved.”
Where do I even begin? The day started innocuously enough. Granted, my husband woke at 3:30 to get ready for work. I’m a light sleeper so going back to sleep sometimes eludes me. However, when the puppy woke at 4:30, I began to wonder how this day would actually unfold. My rest during the night had been at least fitful. Every noise meant a quick awakening to check on the baby. I believe this is referred to as being “on edge.” Obviously, I had already arrived at this state.
If you would have told me two weeks ago not only would my school be closing for at least a month, but that we would also be scrambling to find groceries , I wouldn’t have believed it. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around what is happening. This blog post is one I started two weeks ago…. I’m just now getting to sit and finish it. Well, technically, I’m just now TAKING the time to finish it. My other excuse for not completing it sooner is that if I write this, I must face my emotions. Fun times.
Because I started this particular post two weeks ago, I can’t vividly remember the specifics of the day. I do, however, remember exactly why I began writing this. I remember because of the same reason I’m writing tonight. I need forgiveness and grace. From God. From my family . From myself. On this particular day about two weeks ago, I ran out of patience with my little one. I’m sure it wasn’t for lack of trying, but he is three and he is strong-willed. Still, I felt guilty for feeling so impatient.
Fast-forward two weeks and I still need grace, especially in the evenings. Although we have made so many wonderful memories in spite of the threat around us, bedtime tends to be the weak link in the day. This tends to begin at supper, and tonight was no exception. Little one began to get more and more “active.” He wouldn’t sit down to eat and kept rolling on the floor and making me worry about germs. More than once, I found myself getting short with him because it seems as if his little ears cease to listen around 6 pm. Guilt began to wash over me.
During supper, our college-aged son began to talk baseball. This isn’t unusual considering he’s been playing since he was four, but it struck my heart. Just like thousands of others, his first season in college was cut short by this insidious virus. He has prepared to walk on a college field for 15 years. As I looked at my daughter sitting at the table, I thought of the times she mentioned others her age still congregating on beaches despite the warnings. Two weeks ago, she bristled at our stance of no socializing at this time. Now, her attitude about the quarantine had changed and she seemed older and wiser in such a brief period of time.
All of these thoughts began to swirl simultaneous, and as I walked to the pantry, I began to cry. Truthfully, I’ve cried many times in the shower. I couldn’t even make it past the pantry, though! I cried for my son and his disappointment over baseball. He hasn’t complained at all, which somehow breaks my heart even more. I cried for my daughter’s loneliness. We are blessed to live on a beautiful river, but she has no friends nearby to even sit safety apart with outside. I cried for my lack of patience with my little one. How many times has he asked me where his friends are and why he can’t see his grandparents? His little heart doesn’t understand what is happening. Mostly, I cried because my children, ALL children, are facing some hard realities that just seem so surreal.
My husband put little one to bed and the “games” began. He asked to get up and potty. Then, he asked again. After that, he wanted his lamp on. Get the picture? I remembered asking God earlier in the day to give me grace… to just be patient and give me another chance. Really, I was asking for forgiveness . The realization that my children deserve the same grace wasn’t lost on me. I turned on little one’s lamp. Instead of leaving, I sang his favorite songs and he asked me to rub his little eyebrows as I sang. I did…without hesitation. One day I’ll explain this unprecedented time in history to little one. I’ll explain grace to him, as well. But for now, I’ll just be thankful for God’s grace. I’ll pray for the strength to extend the same grace to my three precious children. And I’ll show them grace, one day at a time.