Let the dorm room shopping commence. Honestly, I’m not emotionally cut out for this.πŸ˜‚

I’m not naming names, but someone I know with two teens and a toddler cried today. If the shoe fits, wear it. I just happen to fit perfectly in those shoes . Cinderella maybe? Nope. It’s just me. I’m owning it, and if the shoe fits you, please wear it loud and proud. You’re in good company. Well, maybe not “good” company, but I got you girl.πŸ˜‚ Let’s take a head count….number one son moving to college in August, teenage daughter in high school , and last, but not least, precocious toddler. Yes, I’m wearing said shoes.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had a three year old and a newborn. Piece. Of. Cake. This parenting two different age groups ain’t for the weak. I’m a pretty stubborn broad, but it got to me today. What’s that? Yes, they’re good kids. Yes, I’m a teacher so I don’t have to get up and go to work every day right now. I sound whiny? Sorry, not sorry. My mantra is “I’m not complaining, I’m EXPLAINING.” I’m always encouraged when a friend tells me (usually privately) that my writing has encouraged them. Even if the subject is hard, it’s ALWAYS encouraging to know you are not alone in this journey of motherhood or life in general.

So back to my small little outburst. It was quick . I was at home. I was alone (well,little man was there). However, it happened, and guess what? It was earned. I love being off for the summer. I almost feel like I can handle the house, the kid’s needs, and so on. You know there’s a caveat, right? This mom thing is hard. It’s been a long time since I cried.

I took little man to the beach today. We had a blast, but he’s a busy boy and it’s tiring. We came home. He napped while I got cleaned up and then we went to Target. My sweet, precious toddler was THAT child. You know the one. He was fussing in the cart, trying to pull at the shelves, and he threw a fit while I was paying for everything. I felt exposed in a sense.

We got home and he sat on a big dump truck that’s really just for pushing. He pushed back with his feet and started going backwards down a hill on our driveway. I began to run in my flip-flops (guess where this is going). He was going faster and began to go out of my reach. I leaned forward to grab at his shirt and lost my balance. I caught myself (it probably looked funny) as he rolled safely into the grass. My heart was racing.

We went inside (I had to MAKE him) and I sat in a chair and suddenly big, fat tears stung my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop. Why now? What in the world am I crying about? As I gathered myself together, things became more clear. I was crying because I had held it together so long. The “scary” incident on the dump truck made me realize that I felt inadequate. I’m the mom. The buck stops here. “I couldn’t catch him,” I thought. “I’m supposed to be able to catch him… to catch ALL THREE of them.”

But I didn’t catch him. And I can’t always catch them. I can’t fix everything for my eldest when he’s away at college this fall. I can’t always prevent my beautiful only daughter from having her feelings hurt. I couldn’t even stop my precocious toddler on that toy today. That realization hurt. I realized that I don’t have control over everything… honestly, over anything. But I can love them. I can be the “soft landing ” when they hurt. I can pray. That’s the best safety net of all.

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