My backyard is beautiful.
I’m so irritated because EVERY SINGLE TIME I write I keep telling myself I’m going to share about the time I used a lip mask (yes, that’s a thing). Don’t worry… I’ll get around to it. It’s epic. Ok, men. Don’t leave me now (that sounded wrong… I meant please keep reading even if you’re a male). Most people know by now that I am a very real person… not negative (I even laugh at some things that might seem negative such as lack of sleep or a car breaking down)….but I am real, and so is my life. My writing keeps taking a different direction and I just want to make people laugh, not be a Sour Sally (the Southern version of a Negative Nellie).
Yesterday I posted on Facebook my struggles this week as a mother. My personal opinion is that single parents and military parents whose spouses are deployed should receive some national award. You are amazing. My husband works shifts. Some of these include a week at a time of nights. This means he gets home and the rest of us are getting out the door. This means mom (yours truly) is in charge of meals, doctor appointments that happen an hour away RIGHT after school (the logistics on this would amaze you), reminding teenagers about deadlines, taking care of a toddler, and handling national emergencies. Oh, yeah… I also work full-time as a preschool teacher.
Remember that “loser” sign all the kids made on their foreheads several years ago? Yep. I’m making it and looking in the mirror. I failed. Dropped the ball. Got impatient. Frustrated. I have no excuse and it is what it is. However, allow me to explain. Have you ever had that feeling in your throat when you are on the verge of tears and your throat starts swelling up a little? Okay. Check. Have you told your family you’re going on strike? Check, check. And, drum roll, please……. have you ugly cried? Boo-yah!!! We have a winner! Katie Presley, step down! It’s your lucky day! Does any of this sound familiar? Does it ring a bell? Or do I just hear crickets chirping?
I cried today. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t even beautiful (how come we never look like those women crying in movies? So over it.😂). It wasn’t one of those fainting couch type Southern lady cries. It was a broken, painful cry. It was a “I’m not enough, I messed up, I’m sorry I can’t fix everything” heartbroken cry. Contrary to what I read about “broken being beautiful”, sometimes broken is just that. It’s an ugly cry. A white flag. A feeble prayer. It’s not pretty.
The beauty comes in that after I pulled it together I realized that my reason for “having a moment ” was because I continue to try to please EVERYONE ALL THE TIME… and I can’t (also, baby boy has thrown 5000 fits in two days, but that’s another story). I was disappointed in myself for losing my patience and, honestly, I was disappointed in others for not appreciating me. My bad. If I may address any male reading this, your wife or girlfriend’s temper, tears, whatever it is, is not usually due to anger. I would venture to say that it is cause by feeling OVERWHELMED. When she gets to the point of waving the white flag, throwing up her hands, or even having a cry…. just ask her. Ask her what is wrong and what you can do. Don’t judge, correct, or offer solutions. Ask and be available (y’all are welcome 😉).
Did I find anything of beauty in my brokenness yesterday? Absolutely. When I was at my lowest and felt like the worst mother and wife, I realized that I only felt that way because I want my family to have the BEST. Not the best clothes, cars, and material things, but the best version of ME. That’s how much I love them, and I’ll guarantee that’s you, as well. The beauty is that I can ask forgiveness from God and he gives it freely. I can ask my family to forgive me (most likely they will), and I can forgive myself… the hardest part.
Remember that “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. Take care of yourself so you can be the best for your family, too.
When my soul is empty, my eyes are full.